Why I left

Well, it's been just over a month since I left Peace Corps.  I've thought a lot about everything and today I finally decided to write down the reasons (though perhaps not an exhaustive list) why I left Peace Corps.  I also sent this (with minor alterations) to the Country Director.

* I felt too constrained by many of Peace Corps's rules and regulations.  I knew that there were circumstances where, given the travel options, it made more sense for me to travel at night, to ride a motorcycle or to hitchhike.  I knew that I could accomplish more without losing work by missing occasional school days to work on other projects.  I came to Kenya hoping to live as much like a Kenyan as possible, but there were many occurrences where Peace Corps rules prevented that.
* I felt woefully under-prepared for many of the tasks that I faced at site.  My group's language training was nothing short of abominable (it was nothing short of comical when I was told during my departure that I was supposed to write that I had had 105 hours of language training--I barely felt comfortable rounding the number up to 50).  I did not know what were reasonable tasks for me to undertake when I arrived at site, so I wound up teaching agriculture (they insisted that I choose agriculture, biology or Christian Religious Education, none of which I had ever properly studied) while resisting requests like coaching volleyball.  Our technical trainer informed us of what volunteers were supposed to do based on his interaction with one Peace Corps volunteer who had taught at his school, and our APCD never followed up to find out what messages we were receiving or correcting them.
* I never had a good understanding of what was expected from me.  My school's headmaster died before I ever met him.  After we completed all of the funeral tasks, I learned that none of my colleagues at the school had ever spoken with anyone from Peace Corps.  There was no subsequent communication between my school and Peace Corps (with the exception of a brief interview of my newly installed headmaster by my APCD during his site visit).  So I was left to figure out why I was matched to my school.  I never found a satisfactory explanation.
* Caning students tore me apart inside.  I had to witness savage beatings on a regular basis.  The only thing I could do was explain to students why I never caned them and hope that I could convince them not to carry this practice on to the next generation.  All of my attempts to engage my colleagues in dialogue proved futile.  (I tried to put on a tough face in my blog posts, but every single post about those beatings was agony to write).
* I came into Peace Corps with vastly different expectations from what I found on arrival.  I was hoping to have time for secondary projects and defining my role within my school.  I even tried to explain this to my APCD during the interview we had during training.  There was never any indication that this was an unreasonable expectation.  When I arrived at my site, they told me that they needed someone who could be in the classroom as much as possible.  Over time, I was able to craft a productive role for myself at the school, but it took much more trial and error than would have been necessary with a more focused training.  Working on secondary projects was always an uphill battle, seemingly against Peace Corps.
* I found a lot of Peace Corps projects to be futile projects.  Perhaps futile is too strong here, but they did not seem to be more than short-term solutions to deep problems.  In the case of the science education program, there is currently a surplus of science teachers in Kenya, while there are shortages for other areas of teaching.  There are certainly long-term benefits for the students at schools with Peace Corps volunteers, but having science teachers does not seem to meet a pressing need in Kenya.  If the purpose of the program is to improve teaching methods in the schools, then it seems like the program would be more effective if it also worked with teacher training colleges in Kenya.  Furthermore, of the nine science teachers who were sworn in after training, there was only one with an education degree, while the other eight held science degrees.
* I felt unappreciated by Peace Corps.  I didn't join Peace Corps to be appreciated, but the attitude really bothered me.  When my APCD was interviewing me during my site visit, I listed all the things that I was working on (a pretty substantial list, but I had already sent him the same information in my monthly reports).  He then asked me if I was doing anything with sports; I told him that I wasn't, and he reminded me that the former volunteer at my site used to coach volleyball before continuing the interview.  Also, during one of the interview I had with the current Country Director, he told me that volunteers who have time to sit around and complain are typically the ones who don't do much work.  As he had noted that I had raised a lot of complaints, I took this as a criticism of my work.  Perhaps I misinterpreted it, but I was pretty offended after all the blood, sweat and tears that I had put into my school and projects.
* I had negative working relationships with some of the staff members.  I found my APCD unsupportive and unresponsive (and at times demoralizing).  I approached the Administrative Officer (then Acting Country Director) to find out what my alternatives were.  Her response was condescending and unhelpful (as well as making some incorrect assumptions) and left me with a very bad taste in my mouth.  She also decided as I was leaving Peace Corps that I didn't need an exit interview--seems that I actually had a lot to say (I should have disabused her of that notion, but I was already hesitant to meet with her).  Our former Programming/Training Officer (PTO) and former Country Director barely interacted with my training group during our training and then at the very end, they proceeded to place the blame squarely on us for our inadequate language and technical training.  I tried to engage them about the four volunteers that they were sending home based in part on recommendations from staff members that they did not rehire and a language training scheme that clearly failed.  First the PTO responded in a rude, dismissive and unprofessional manner (I will admit that I was overjoyed when I learned she was transferring out of Kenya).  Unfortunately, this experience led me to approach the Country Director in a confrontational mood.  I deeply regretted the exchange, but that too tarnished my relationships.  (I will also say that I had very positive relationships with other staff members including other APCDs in the program, the training staff, medical staff and PEPFAR coordinator).
* I was really bothered by the radar.  Certain volunteers were periodically (often unbeknownst to them) "on the radar".  It was not Orwellian, rather it brought to mind the absurdity of "double-secret probation" from the movie Animal House.  Most times, volunteers wanted to stay "off the radar", meaning that they wanted to avoid contact with Peace Corps administration.  The radar highlighted the dysfunctionality of the relationship between Peace Corps administration and volunteers.
* I disliked being part of a conservative and opaque organization.  Some rules were justified only with "because Peace Corps Washington says so."  There was minimal effort to engage volunteers in constructive dialogue about ways to improve the program.
* I was unhappy.  I tried to wait for the dark clouds to pass, but they never seemed to.  I could feel bitterness seeping into my character, which seriously disturbed me.  A lot of this arose from challenges that I faced at site and even still seem somehow surreal to me.  But there was also a frustration with the workings of Peace Corps that I have described above.  Therefore, rather than let my misery consume me, I decided to do something about it.

All of this is not to say that I don't believe in what Peace Corps sets out to do.  I have heard about remarkable successes of other programs around the world.  This is only to explain the issues that I had with my specific program and country that led to my decision to leave.

ADDENDUM: (written 7 Feb 2009 @ 12:42 AM blog time)
I would like to state that the training program in Peace Corps Kenya has improved exponentially since my group's experiences. Although there is still room for improvement, they have undertaken an improved language program and sought out better technical trainers (I have not visited training, only heard second hand from other volunteers, so I cannot comment on levels of staff support or oversight of training).